Porn
Audio Recording by George Hahn
Pornography is the McDonald’s of sex — fast, convenient, and utterly divorced from nutrition. —Anonymous
I was at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona earlier this month. A young man, married with two kids, who founded a tech firm, approached me and asked if I’d mentor him.
“Boss, you should mentor me. I mentor young men who are struggling, and you are clearly thriving,” I told him.
“I have an addiction,” he said.
“What’s the addiction?”
“Porn.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, I sensed shame — within 15 seconds he couldn’t look me in the eye, and within 60 seconds he’d fled.
All addictions are wrapped in some shame, but not in equal amounts. Tell someone you’re sober from pills or booze, and you’ll get praise and admiration. The same is not true for people with a porn addiction. In the past six months a half-dozen men have told me their drug of choice is porn. I suspect they aren’t outliers, but canaries sounding an alarm from the most opaque sector of the addiction economy.
Research Wanted
At the turn of the millennium, there were no social media platforms, there wasn’t enough bandwidth to run video, and Amazon was a bookstore. But online porn dates back to 1995. By 2004 online porn was so ubiquitous that Avenue Q won six Tony Awards, including Best Musical, with a song called — wait for it — “The Internet Is for Porn.” Nobody doubted that claim then, and nobody doubts it now. But how much of today’s internet is porn? A: We’re not sure. Some estimates put porn-related traffic as high as one-third of all internet traffic. Pornhub, the leading distributor of free, ad-supported porn, ranks in the top 20 websites globally; 10 of its competitors rank in the top 100.
Sizing a Market
Porn addiction isn’t listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. But in a study of 2,000 American adults, 11% of men and 3% of women reported some agreement with the statement “I am addicted to pornography.” Fewer people than report alcohol abuse, but more than admit to a problem with gaming or gambling. On my podcast, Dr. Anna Lembke, a professor of psychiatry at Stanford and the author of Dopamine Nation, said that, beginning in the early 2000s, she saw warning signs in male patients who self-described as “porn addicts,” and cited the internet as the culprit. Since then there’s been an escalation in people presenting with digital addictions. Porn addiction may be difficult to isolate within the broader and more diffuse internet addiction, but compared to other internet-enabled compulsions, there’s relatively little peer-reviewed research. My thesis: Few academics want to be known as The Porn Professor (see above: shame).
Arbitrage
Humans came off the savanna hard-wired for addiction. The dopamine rush a hunter felt when taking down a mammoth is neurologically the same feeling a gambler gets when betting. Our instinct to gorge whenever we see food was honed during millenia of scarcity, and it’s that same instinct the food industrial complex leverages to keep people eating long past the point of being satiated. Ours is an addiction economy: The most valuable companies arbitrage the disparity between our instincts and industrial production.
Mrs. Dopa
On the internet, everyone has access to everyone, and the digitization of a market results in a winner-take-most ecosystem. Dating apps sort potential partners into a small group of haves and a titanic group of have-nots. On Hinge, the top 10% of men receive 60% of the “likes” — the comparable figure for women is 45%. Online porn exploits the lack of mating opportunities for men. The most recent figures for Aylo, the company behind Pornhub, Brazzers, Redtube, Youporn, and Xtube, showed 2018 revenue of $460 million, with a profit margin of 50%.
Meanwhile, OnlyFans generated $6.6 billion in revenue in 2023. The firm has more than 300 million registered accounts, of which 70% are male. On the other end of that internet connection are 4.1 million creators, 84% of them women. While OnlyFans is known for its subscription model, one-off transactions are driving 88% of the revenue growth. These “tips” are an arbitrage on the disparity between the biological impulse to mate and the lack of mating opportunities; there are fewer economically and emotionally viable men, and too few venues where a man can develop the skills to express romantic interest while making a woman feel safe. Pro tip: Research shows women are attracted to men who signal three primary attributes: resources, intellect, and kindness.
OnlyFans
In the VHS and DVD eras, porn consumption was a wealth transfer from men to the adult entertainment industry and mom & pop video store owners. In the OnlyFans era, it’s a wealth transfer from hundreds of millions of men to a handful of platforms and tens of thousands of women. During its peak growth, OnlyFans was adding the population of Atlanta to its registered user base every day.
The average OnlyFans creator grosses roughly $1,800 annually; one analysis found that creators in the top 0.1% collect 100x what those in the top 10% bring in. One OnlyFans earner grossed $43 million in a single year. A common query I receive at speaking gigs is who is most vulnerable to AI? Easy — OnlyFans is ground zero for disruption from AI bots. This is not a good thing, as there will be less friction to becoming less social, less mammalian.
Men Behaving Badly
We are what we pay attention to. More research is needed (see above), but one study found that porn consumption explained 9% of the variation in men’s sexual objectification of women. Among men who prefer degrading pornography, the variance increased to 20%. A longitudinal survey of 962 Dutch adolescents found exposure to porn among males was a strong predictor of objectifying attitudes toward females.
Homo Solo
We pathologize males attracted to misogynistic communities as incels, potential mass shooters, and sex criminals, but these men are statistical outliers. However, we may be evolving a new species of asocial, asexual male: Homo solo. Homo solo’s inability to develop romantic skills means he’s primarily a danger to himself, as he’s likely to be less happy, earn less money, and die sooner. Homo solo’s AI girlfriend never says no, is never tired, busy, or in a bad mood. In other words, she’s not human, and that obviates the risk of rejection and the other complexities of real-life relationships.
The skills developed, or not, in the pursuit of organic love are key skills that serve men well in a variety of environments for the rest of their lives. We’ve been taught to believe that the menace to society was the fraternity alpha male. It isn’t. Society is being subjected to the sociopathy of a bunch of tech CEOs who, in my view, did not get laid enough as young men.
Most leaders, however, honed skills from mating that have been key to their success. Show me a guy who is competent in a bar, and I’ll show you someone who can be reasonable in a boardroom. Show me a guy who objectifies women, building an app that pits women against one another, based solely on their physical attributes, and I’ll show you Mark Zuckerberg, and an app whose algorithms encourage girls to sexualize themselves and young people to generally feel shittier about themselves.
Fire
Sexual desire is fire. Without this fire, our species goes out of business. Unfortunately, we’ve built a fire-retardant generation. Zoomers prefer staying home and scrolling to going out, and when they do venture out they’re less likely to visit a bar, reducing the chances they’ll make a series of bad decisions that might pay off. BTW, I believe the anti-alcohol movement is second only to remote work in the damage it’s doing to young people. The risk to a 25-year-old liver is dwarfed by the social isolation and loneliness epidemic plaguing America’s youth. Think of the most important things in your life: who you decided to have kids with and the friends you still count on. Then ask, did alcohol lubricate the often awkward formation and cementing of those bonds?
Despite the risk to our one and only god, shareholder value, one-third of workers say they’ve had a workplace romance. This is verboten, but it shouldn’t be — work is a great place to find a mate. The rules don’t apply, however, if you’re the founder of a tech firm. (See above: men who didn’t get laid in college.) The culture wars are another fire retardant. Richard Reeves, the president of the American Institute for Boys and Men, recently told Vox that men know what not to do on a date — “don’t mansplain, don’t be toxic, don’t be a predator … don’t be a creep” — but they’re clueless about what to do on a date. We’ve pathologized the pursuit of sex (i.e., dating) and made porn the path of exponentially less resistance.
In news that won’t surprise anyone, dampening the fire that fuels casual sex and dating has coincided with the U.S. birth rate hitting an all-time low; global birth rates are also plummeting. According to Pew, 63% of men under 30 are single, compared with 34% of women (i.e., the women are dating older guys). More than half of single Americans say they’re not currently looking for a relationship or casual dates. Another study found the percentage of sexually inactive men ages 18 to 24 increased from 19% in 2002 to 31% in 2018; the percentage of sexually inactive young women increased from 15% to 19% over the same period.
2.27
I graduated (barely) from UCLA with a 2.27 GPA. I did, however, go on campus almost every day. Specifically, I left my fraternity to venture on campus as UCLA in the eighties was like a Cinemax film set in Brentwood. I would hang at North Campus with friends and, to be blunt, hope to meet someone I might (note: “might” is doing a lot of work) have sex and establish a relationship with. If I’d had on-demand porn on my phone and computer, I’m not sure I would have graduated, as I would have lost some of the incentive to venture on campus. I just read the previous sentence, and it sounds crass and shallow — but it’s also accurate. And that’s the rub, so to speak. Porn can reduce your ambition to take risks, become a better person, and build a better life. The best thing in my life is raising two men with a competent, loving partner. The catalyst for me risking humiliation, approaching her at the Raleigh Hotel pool, and introducing myself wasn’t a desire to someday qualify for lower car insurance rates, but the desire / hope to have sex. BTW, our oldest son’s middle name is Raleigh, and I’m taking him on a college tour next week.
Getting to No
The key to success isn’t getting an investor, employer, or woman to say yes, it’s putting yourself in situations where you take risks, get a no … and realize you’re fine, i.e., build resilience. And while it’s great that social norms have helped more women feel comfortable asking men out, the default setting, the expectation continues to be that men make the first move. Among Zoomers, one study found men paid for all or most of a couples’ dates 90% of the time. On first dates, 80% of men expect to pay, and 55% of women expect him to pay. I’ve told my boys that whenever they are in the company of women, they pay. (Can’t wait for the shit on that one.)
Moderate
I coach a number of young men. It’s unrealistic to tell them to abstain from porn. And there is evidence that porn consumption is fine in moderation. The problem is losing the fire, the sexual desire that inspires you to be a better man: to have a plan for economic viability; to be fit; to demonstrate kindness, intelligence, and a willingness to take risks; to build resilience and develop the ability to express romantic interest while making someone feel safe.
The Enemy
We have companies with infinite resources and command of godlike technology all attempting to convince young men they can have a reasonable facsimile of life on a screen with an algorithm. The most frightening data I’ve seen recently is that 51% of men aged 18 to 24 have never asked a woman out in person. I find this so fucking depressing.
Romantic comedies are two hours, not 15 minutes, for a reason. Relationships and mating are hard … and worth it. We need more venues (national service, third places, freshman seats, the office) where young people can meet. And men need to recognize there’s a profit motive in dampening the flames of desire and motivation to become better men. In sum, as I said on Bill Maher’s show: Young men need to get out of the house, take risks, and demonstrate excellence so they can make their own bad porn.
Life is so rich,
P.S. This week on the Prof G pod, I spoke with Dr. Fiona Hill, a senior fellow at Brookings, chancellor of Durham University, and a former U.S. National Security Council official specializing in Russian and European affairs about the war in Ukraine, the future of U.S.-Russia relations, and the broader geopolitical effects of the conflict. Listen here on Apple, Spotify, or YouTube.
I strongly disagree with your take on alcohol. Less alcohol consumption is an unequivocally good thing. A longitudinal study out of the UK found that even low to moderate consumption is associated with brain atrophy, not to mention many other health detriments. The idea out of the 90’s that moderate drinking was good for you was based on poorly controlled studies. Additionally, the industry makes a large portion of its money by taking advantage of addicts.
Interesting post. I’m not sure I agree with all of it.
I’m a divorced gen X man who got married later in life, so I got to see life before and after the Internet. I think your stat about men asking out a woman in person is largely a result of the dating apps and an inability to meet someone through traditional means.
I think one of the biggest issues is that we don’t have good places to meet someone to date. When the Internet was young, online dating had a lot of promise (I met my ex-wife on eharmony after moving to a new city), since then I think it’s become an absolute hellhole. They’ve “perfected” the algorithm, there’s no longer a need to show success stories. It’s overrun with bots and scams. The people who are playing matchmaker have a vested interest in keeping you on the treadmill because that’s how they get recurring revenue. If you don’t see the blatant conflict of interest, you’re blind. Also worth noting a massive proportion of online dating sites are owned by Match group.
Make the natural environment less competitive with less inequality and people will thrive. I had a much easier time communicating with women in Bali then I ever had in the Bay Area. In America we are too individualistic at times. Plus it doesn’t help that most of our country is car-dependent and our cities overpriced.
I did my part and got a vasectomy.
I love porn! My favorite actresses are Mia Khalifa and Eliza Ibarra. I understand why some people have problems with addiction, but it doesn’t make any sense why they can’t combine it with healthy relationships. Why don’t they just go on normal dates with the opposite gender? Some of them are way past the point of having an opinion on this, just watch less porn, and go out on a date!
Scott has Zuck Derangement Syndrome
Love your content—I’ve been following you for a while now!
However, I believe one of your statistics is slightly misleading and should be clarified. I suspect the graph for “Adults who prefer AI Companions” comes from Figure 5 of the Wheatley Institute study, “Counterfeit Connections.” According to that study, the statistic in Figure 5 only includes participants who use AI companions. Therefore, of the 31% of young men who use AI companions, only 29% (roughly 9% of the entire sample) actually prefer these relationships over “real” ones. For other groups, the percentages are even smaller.
Although 9% is still concerning, it’s not as alarming as 29%. The way the study is presented can be a bit confusing, and I feel it’s important to reflect this more accurately in the article.
Your “outliers” are actively recruiting and radicalizing young men to hate women. They encourage toxic behavior, and don’t believe women have a right to consent.
Women don’t require men. We want a partner. But we don’t “need” one. If a man is “not getting laid,” the consistent denominator is him.
porn ..unwanted consequences of western civilization..
capitalism cannot censor itself…neither AI algorithms engineered to make slaves out of the clueless
I don’t agree with the idea that men who don’t get F’ed enough as young men turn into social outcasts like Zuckerberg et al. They were just as weird then. No merciful gal who lowered her standards/drank too much could fix that for him. Ladies don’t have a magic portal between their legs that men need to access in order to take risks and grow resilient and mature. My husband of 20 years was single throughout his 20s and could have become addicted to porn but didn’t. We have a great sex life, 4 healthy happy kids, a mortgage of 65k with 2300 sq ft and an acre of land in a nice school district. We have very little debt. We have what many people want…but we did not get it because he was led by his peepee to be brave and take chances. Being from a large family with sisters and getting to know women as people and not objects had WAY more to do with his ability to…not objectify women (including me). His experience waiting tables as a young man made him able to engage in conversations intelligently. His parents instilled a strong work ethic and religious values in him which pushed him to be involved in his community and not motivated by what he could get. One can be motivated by altruism and a sense of purpose to leave the basement and put boundaries in place to avoid porn addiction. It’s not only the promise of sexual success.
I think what the Prof is saying, which I’d tend to agree with, is that it is better when young men are open to taking social risks, because the upside (the experiences) have wide reaching consequences in all areas of ones life. I read it as saying it’s more about taking a risk to make yourself someone might want to have sex with, and putting yourself out there, shooting your shot, flaming out, getting back up, dusting yourself off, and doing it again. And that applies professionally, personally, romantically etc. Admittedly, the desire for sex as the vehicle for this message could probably be replaced by other vehicles- organised sports, interning, waiting tables in a family restaurant, dating etc, or all of the above – the desire to belong, the desire to build, the desire to be productive..
As a middle aged man, I’d go one further and say that the real magic comes from nurturing those desires but detaching a little from outcomes, especially those which you have very little control over. You can work on yourself, improve your dating prospects, get shot down and be ok to try again with grace and confidence.
When I first heard you propose this idea on your podcast, I thought you were slightly nuts… until I thought more about it. In looking across at the young adult children of my GenX friends, a surprising number of the males have zero social life whatsoever. (And I’m reasonably certain my 20 y/o stepson has never been on a date – but he lives with his mom and that’s another story…)
Surely, some of this is tied to helicopter parenting – although I’m unclear how much that trend exists across all economic classes – but it also seems like we’ve taught an entire generation that discomfort is an unacceptable emotion. No creative solutions here but it has made me more intentional about talking with my stepchildren and other young adults of the struggles I faced throughout my life to get where I am today.
PS – A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre… so the bartender gave it to her.
I agree to some point because yes people looked at pills and alcohol as justifiable negatives to get over but it isn’t the solution. I could buy Heroin from a Sears catalog and still be a loser. We have always been driven to explore sex. We made providers like Hue Hefner a likable hero. Porn has always worked its way into society whether on your way home or the weekends at a strip club or with that collection of mags in your room. Porn stars are now justifiable celebrities, not just a porn actress but looked at as a medical student or the wife of an accepted partner. Now there’s sites not clubs where you can meet that pornstar. No explanation needed. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t watch porn. But before today I spent a lot of time privately with myself or with a partner, I spoke dirty on the phone and had a collection of magazines to fall back on. I did this as part of my growing up in the 70’s. I wish well for us all but like with drugs, sex and gambling there is always going to be someone to consume and someone to provide. Maybe we should be more concerned about why and how others profit from it. How we incorporate it in our lifestyles is what means the most. maybe the kid shouldn’t be so quick to blame porn but rather the companies providing it and why.
WOW, so deep analysis. I would say that summing the AI Gen (conversational model, and the use as a therapist, or to give recipes of everything), then we will find a society that no longer make mistakes (actually believe so), therefore a mediocre society. No pain, no gain.
You are a wise man indeed
The truth! Now get out and date. Scott, keep up the good work.
Fascinating article, and I love your comments on any subject. As I heard your appreciation of the Netflix series Adolescence, I was wondering whether you had seen the Steve MsQueen film Shame with Michael Fassbender and Carey Mulligan, which is a fascinating exploration of the pain of sex addiction and the way it takes over the life of the addict.
The research you reference is mainly majority white or race-blind, lacks any class analysis, and disregards principles that have already been established to affect birth-rates or addiction.
You are arguing global platform are the root of very specifically American issues. Moreover, not only do you not seem to care whether the Zoomers have any money or time to date or grab a beer, you actively avoid the topic even when it’d be appropriate.
The people you take as prime specimens of homo-fuctus, also widely overlap with wealthier, whiter individuals (see any frat composite or board of directors).
Muslim countries, Europeans of different ethnicity, and the rest are evidence of global trends that are not necessarily negative in value and show the alternative paths, while functioning with the same global services and their CEOs.
I know that you proudly embody the model white-man who is financially successful,p goes to bars after board meetings, and “mates” to then raise other mater-males like himself; however, these narrow-minded takes come straight out of the homogeneous, elite, male, white, wealthy boardrooms that you praise.
Outdated conclusions, drawn out of unsubstantiated research to excuse our legacy of producing inadequate American males, are not the cause of our problems; the horny, elite frat-boys who flock to their peer’s online book of faces to rate women’s bodies are. Btw, what jobs do those same boys get and what platforms they invest in?
European here. The problems raised by this article are equally relevant on the other side of the pond (not sure about other societies you mentioned), so it’s not only an American-specific phenomenon. On the other hand, you raised a very important point of (time & resources) affordability of doing anything mating-related, with which I fully agree.
Inflation of everything (besides wages) is killing young generation opportunities/ willingness to engage in social activities. Most are either you are too poor to go out regularly (while having to pay rent, etc) or too overworked to really have time/ energy to do so (bankers/ consultants/ ppl working 2 shifts)
Thanks for the suggestion that tech CEOs who make millions a year can’t get laid! That’s the best laugh I’ve had in years!
A lot of the sexual dysfunction in society would be eased if members of a certain liberal political party would stop hating on any guy who hasn’t had sex in at least six months.
I’ve also heard online that porn shouldn’t be available to guys who don’t get laid. It should only be there for guys and gals who have regular sex, to fill in on the handful of days they don’t. They don’t feel bad looking at porn, but they feel bad looking at porn that incels might also be watching.
At my English boarding school I never laid eyes on a girl during my teenage years. My first job put me in the city centre surrounded by women of all kinds. I had no idea of how to find a girl, but I was so keen to learn. It being the late 70s I modeled for myself a witty, charming, and funny persona – built in equal parts on Cary Grant, Alan Alda’s Hawkeye Pierce, and my school headmaster, an urbane and charming man with impeccable manners.
It took time to mature, and the rejections were excruciating, but over time I got better at it. It also helped having a fit and attractive body, a lot of blond hair, and being in the occasional band. My conversation was about things I was interested in, not about me or my needs. And I was intensely interested in women and women’s experiences. And I made it a rule to always charm any potential girlfriends mother. It probably helped that I was looking for love just as much as I was looking for sex. All of this made me relatively popular, and socially presentable.
If I have any advice for young men now it would be this:
Think of your perfect woman, imagine her in detail and in every aspect of herself. Now ask yourself, “What on earth would she want with you?”
Now imagine that man, her perfect man. Grow in that direction.
And PS: Learn an instrument and join a band, no matter how bad.
There will always be girls and women who want to talk to a musician.
I admire Scott greatly for speaking out about this, yet I cannot help but say that “addiction” as we know it is not necessarily a real thing. I’ve recently been reading The Freedom Model; it approaches an entirely different perspective on “addiction” and the myths that accompany it.
We forget that for every ‘you shouldn’t do this’ there should be two ‘you can do this’. That goes for raising kids, work, relationships. The only point to emphasizing what someone shouldn’t do is shame but if you add what they can do instead it’s an opportunity. I forget this all the time and thank you for the reminder.
Look up Constance Penley at the University of California, Santa Barbara. She was the professor of Porn for many years. She’d be a great guest on the pod.
You have made some interesting observations. I think you are drawing conclusions which reflect your own privilege and that is fine. We are all guilty of that. You may not know that sex addiction has been a diagnosis for many years. A therapist on Oprah – maybe 15 years ago – said porn on the internet will become the crack cocaine for sex addicts; addiction will grow exponentially for the very reasons you outline. I found it fascinating that in White Lotus 3, episode 2, there is a casual reference to porn use on the internet. I found it quite troubling only because it was presented in a way that equated it to like brushing ones teeth – just a matter of fact. Although interestingly, the character’s reference to it DOES seem to be interested in pursuing (lots) of physical engagement. Good luck with the college tour.
I’ve always understood sex addiction as seeking and having sex with other people, with porn as a component but only a component. Regarding the older son in season 3 of White Lotus, I have a feeling we’re going to find out there’s more behind his endless/tedious “dirty talk” than garden-variety horniness!
Good article as always.
I am seconding the other comment that this is a ‘hidden’ (and well-deserved) critique of modern feminism. Arguably, the current ‘value equation’ (risk/ reward ratio) of mating has vastly deteriorated for Men (as it did earlier for Women with the growth of earning opportunities & decline in the stigma of being an ‘old-single’).
I was lucky to be born with an above-the-average physique and to f- around and then to find love & settle down before the proliferation of tinders (one important factor), and before shaming of normal ‘dating/ mating’ behaviors. Although that’s only on the surface: as if you are desirable enough (handsome/ rich/ famous), still ‘creepy’ becomes ‘funny’, and ‘cocky’ becomes ‘confident/ bold’ – but the risk is still higher. I honestly would not want to be a youngster these days
Porn is hate speech against women and should not be protected under the First Amendment
Men stop thinking about sex 5 minutes after they are dead.
Young men need to join clubs that have women. Clubs are a great way to gradually get to know people.
I agree with you in theory about joining clubs.
Some areas have an scarcity of single women, which means you could end up in a grousing corner, which helps a bit for a while but not that much.
I’ve also had the personal experience of someone knowing I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while and setting me up for bullying, which too many people join in. No one even wants me to forget about my problems for a while.
Knowing firsthand that a club might even fold and reconstitute somewhere else simply because a guy who’s alone chose to join isn’t something that helps.
It’s also off-putting for a guy who’s alone and straight when a club devoted to an activity changes its mission to “gay socializing,” with the leader bringing in a bunch of gay friends and dropping hints that I’ll be swiftly harassed by a gay guy if I somehow find myself in some sort of pleasant conversation with a woman.
If clubs tend to isolate the men who are already alone, they aren’t very helpful.
Even with my experience, I’d advise a guy who’s alone to find a club with an activity he likes, quietly avoid any discussion of his single status, and just do the activity.
Brilliant, candid and all too true. Though it’s amusing to me that I read this the day after I (54 y.o. Female) canceled a date because less than 12 hours after meeting a guy who seemed decent and making plans to attend a show together, he text me a whole lot of nonsense about sex and BDSM. I don’t care what people are into (so long as it’s harmless and consensual) but the inability to see the absolutely inappropriate timing and nature of such a conversation, tells me that men over fifty are just as doomed as men in their 20’s. Who’s gonna tell them?
Think about how much data all these free porn sites have on people.
They know how often you visit their sites, how much time you spend on each video, what your searches are, ect, ect.
Very personal information.
For some people, that data can be more personal/sensitive than their own medical records.
Imagine if a telemarketer were to call you up and say “I’m doing a survey, can you tell me what kind of porn you’re into? What’s your fetish? How long does it take you to complete the task at hand?”
Chances are, you’d hang up immediately.
Yet people volunteer all that information, very detailed information, everytime they go to these sites.
I often wonder whatever happens to all of that very personal data.
Who is looking at that data?
Who is leveraging that data?
How much is that data worth?
Things to think about …
I’m not sure I am anymore willing to blame porn as an industry nor the people who make it for porn addiction just like I am not going to blame liquor companies for my alcoholism.
The men who can’t interact with society and the people who abuse them are the problem, they are the only people who can fix this because they are the problem.
Heck the simple fact that the guy can’t look at you in the eye because he said he is addicted to porn is already a major red flag. I can talk to any adult about my porn use and it’s not exactly sparse or vanilla.
If you’re just going to be ashamed of porn use (like most people are yet none should be) your going to have a problem because nobody will talk about it.
Is that the problem created by people making and distributing porn? Doubtful. If anything they are the ones who should be normalized.
“they are the only people who can fix this because they are the problem.”
If this were true there would be no progress. You don’t have to be the problem to fix it. You just have to be skillful, smart and determined. Progress doesn’t come form ‘problem people’ it comes from anyone who has those three qualities.
People need to stop with the whinging over birth rates. Long term growth is a recipe for disaster, there are already housing shortages anywhere within any reasonable commute to jobs. There are teacher shortages across the country. Our factory farming practices are destroying arable land through sustained use of pesticides and poor rotation of crops, fresh water is growing scarcer and with the EPA backing off and eliminating standards altogether the water supply is threatened.
The single thing on which Elon Musk and I agree is that social security is a Ponzi scheme, there needs to be some better way to take care of the aged without importuning the young. Higher taxes on the wealthy and corporations are inevitable and the only way to cover this shortfall as the birth rate drops. The fact that the birthrate is dropping all over the world is a clue – most people just don’t want to have large families. Kids are expensive, housing is expensive and even if you reduce those expenses, most people still don’t want large families (it’s been tried).
I’m sorry, but population (and thus societal) collapse is NOT good and you wouldn’t want to live through it. Like a myopic spoiled rich kid who doesn’t realize how good you’ve had it, you’ve only lived through times of population (and thus economic) growth and can’t imagine how bad life could be once that engine goes in reverse. Unfortunately, both you and I will get to find out (unless you’re old, in which case, you really shouldn’t be commenting because you won’t even have to live through the coming collapse).
Whoa, whoa, whoa, doggies! Seriously? Because Sandy might be old s/he doesn’t have a right to comment? Yikes. Sandy makes several valid points. Exponential growth in populations reaches a tipping point (carrying capacity) when too many are competing for too few resources. We’re likely at that point now and, though it may be difficult to navigate, it seems inevitable.
I wish I agreed with Sandy that taxing the rich is inevitable. Certainly not now in the US. I do agree it’s the only way out of the massive income inequality hole we’ve collectively dug ourselves into by electing politicians who’ve enabled the über-rich to gobble up all the resources and drive up the cost of living.
Wow, this is pretty removed from porn.
Or maybe not?
Not at all far removed, Scott mentions in his post that lack of mating opportunities results in lower birth rates. Maybe birth rates from people who became parents by accident. For some people that accident turned out to be a blessing (Scott) but for many others it was far from a blessing. No amount of porn is ever going to replace the warmth of physical contact or the contentment of snuggling up with someone who loves you. It certainly can’t replace the benefits of a stable partner to ride out the storms of life with.
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You’re way behind the times. Take a look at fertility rates. They are dropping like a rock almost everywhere in the world. No first world country besides Israel has a fertility rate that is even replacement level. Worrying about exponential growth in population when the clear trend is towards every generation being smaller than the one before (already true in the first world and the rest of the world is following) is being way out of touch with reality. You and Sandy may not like SS being like a “Ponzi scheme” but waving your hands around won’t address the math that retirement systems where fewer and fewer workers support more and more retirees is unsustainable.
I was introduced to Scott via Bill Maher some years back. From his very first words uttered I knew immediately this is a brilliant human. I’m constantly inspired and advised by Scott’s choice of subjects, perspectives and INCREDIBLE ability to communicate. THANK YOU SCOTT! Please keep ’em coming. (No pun intended)
“And the Oscar goes to Anora” which had porn for the first 30 minutes. I think the greater issue is the lack of protection for the actors in porn. How many are actually willing participants?
I think we need to get more creative about the idea of not being in bars being worse for everything than harming just your liver. Not drinking also increases your clarity of mind and allows you to have more sustained energy levels than you do when you’re hungover. I opt to not drink because there’s things I want to accomplish and I find I feel better when I don’t. Id love to see more mocktails, but will continue to order a club soda if needed.
Thanks; good read. Interesting arguments for young adult males. I personally don’t like porn and don’t like to be in a relationship with a ‘user’ . I’m in my early 60’s and 25+ years in my relationship. However you never know 100% what your partner does and that’s part of life 🙂
If I was to start a new relationship at this stage of my life I wonder what impact porn 🤔 has on older adults. A stat you mentioned in your book; majority of divorces are by those 65 years and older…. Any ideas?
New to your work. WORTH the time 🙂 thanks
Porn is hate speech against women and should not be protected under the First Amendment.
I get it. Degrading 🙁 Speaking of hate/degradation; it has spread like the pest through popular culture. Worse is seeing women themselves ‘abusing/using’ one another….
Scott, I agree porn can be addictive and exploitative in some cases, but your argument overlooks key research and risks moral panic.
A 2022 meta-analysis (Clinical Psychology Review) found only 5–6% of users show signs of problematic use—often tied to preexisting anxiety or depression. A 2020 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior showed 70% reported no negative effects, and 20%+ reported positive impacts like better communication and self-understanding.
The link to violence? Data doesn’t support it. A 2016 study in The Journal of Sex Research found rape rates declined as porn access increased. International data reflects similar trends.
And crucially, a 2023 study in Psychiatry Research shows that self-perceived addiction, not actual use, is most correlated with shame and distress. Stigma may be the bigger issue.
Yes, porn should be ethical and regulated—but most users are not broken, addicted, or isolated. We need education, not blanket shame. Like alcohol, it’s not for everyone—but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently harmful.
Best way to diminish porn is to legalize prostitution. Let young men release their stress through the best therapy, real
pussy.I think why there are no mass shootings in inner cities is because there is more sex.Yet we know there is terrible gun violence outside of school. I’m 78 a child of the sixties ; with the birth control pill sex exploded.Even before the pill petting and oral sex started as soon as your hormones kicked in….so much fun for girls and boys.If prostitution was legal and regulated the poor boys living in these fucked up times could get a momentary release ; it would make them much happier. There is no power like pussy power.
Agreed! Why not make it legal? I’d rather men pay for that then Onlyfans subscriptions or on porn websites. It would help society.
Define violence. It’s more than rape. The NYT did a piece about the preponderance of choking women and rough sex for Gen z vs prior generations, because porn was their sex ed. The spread of child porn has been catastrophic. Violence is a lot more than reported rape which has never been reliable as stats anyway. Look at the ten of thousands of rape kits that just sat on shelves.
Timely article: my friends and I have just made an observation that in our group of extended relatives and acquaintances, there is a link between the young men who are addicted to porn being the same young men who are Trump supporters.
Pornography is absolutely destructive to society and to individuals. Kudos to you for saying it out loud.
Although I’d note that…
“It’s unrealistic to tell them to abstain from porn. And there is evidence that porn consumption is fine in moderation.”
Is not the same as “Porn consumption is actually fine in moderation.”
Perhaps similar to online gambling or drinking in that some people might be “fine” while others will become quickly addicted. Just because it’s unpopular doesn’t mean it’s wrong to say that porn is harmful and dangerous while masquerading as anything but.
I agree
Young men and young women need religion. In fact old men and old women also need religion. At age 86 this concept is very clear to me.
I wonder how a departure from religion impacts an individual’s (specifically teen’s) use of porn. I’m not so religious now, but I was scared to sin as a kid and that kept me away from that side of the internet for YEARS.
One thing that is timely to the discussion is Saxon on The White Lotus season 3. I see almost *everywhere* that people call him douchey and generally hate on the character. But that’s what a confident young man usually is – or was like when I, a younger millennial, was growing up. Loud, risk-taking, and a bit profane. But when society (on the internet, at least) is so against *that*, it is hard to be *that* without consequence. Young men see this reaction, feel the need to form a similar opinion to not be weird or canceled, and then act the opposite.
As I type this out, I can’t help but think that Scott is so spot on, here. When people treat something as taboo, they often find a way to discretely meet their desires, which can often be a gateway into the ACTUAL taboo nature of the desire. Americans, in particular, need to stop treating sex this way. Everyone (well, most of us) wants it.
Perhaps it’s the type of porn that is being consumed? I highly recommend looking at Cindy Gallop’s Make Love Not Porn, which depicts couples in loving, consensual relationships, and would be a better guide for young boys.
Or OMGYes, which dives into what works for women to get their fire going.
The number of young women who experience ‘choking’ as part of their first kissing and petting sexual experiences is alarming; and might do more to explain some of your stats than not having a place to meet members of the opposite sex, or not having liquid lubrication.
Women want men too – and statistically, men are valued for a lot more attributes than women are. In the Western world the societal norm that women are most valued on is appearance. The reason that a higher percentage of women get likes could just as likely be older men who find a larger percentage of young women attractive (because, youth).
Men are valued for their charm, their athletics, their intelligence, their creativity (see: any rockstar with below-average looks) their hobbies, their wealth. There are endless examples of women finding the appeal in all types of men.
As you point out – it takes time to demonstrate these attributes. And if men are spending that time trying porn-styled approaches, that’s likely the bigger problem, than some of the correlations you’re highlighting above.
For the record – intelligence, and courtesy, are my personal firestarters. There are all types.
The lament in Scott’s posts for young men missing out often seems to lack examination as to how the circumstances and experiences of the other half of young people (women) might also contribute to this.
For an overly simplistic example, a young man can’t successfully chat up a young woman at a bar if the young woman has decided that a cozy evening home on her phone far outweighs the risks of SA and blame/shame by society if she goes out to said bar.
Two thoughts:
1) why do people use Yahoo!? I am genuinely shocked they get that much traffic.
2) a whole article about how feminism after ~1990 is dumb, without saying that.
So, a bit of work to do on addressing the cognitive dissonance in #2.
How would one quantify moderate porn use? I am currently struggling with porn addiction, and compulsive behavior with respect to the thing guys do while viewing porn. I have quit alcohol and a couple of white powders, but porn abstinence or moderation has been impossible for me to date.
Fantastic column, Scott, and so spot on, speaking as a 59 YO white male. I couldn’t agree more with men of our age having to hone our craft in bars, take chances speaking to women, getting their number on a napkin and then calling to ask them out. I’m single now and unfortunately I never meet anyone organically anymore. No single ladies go to bars/restaurants, everyone’s in a group. If they do their head is in their phone the whole. I too went to a big university and was a very mid student, but I went to almost all my classes to put in the “work” of meeting a girl to have sex and build a relationship with. Dating apps and porn have not made anyone’s world better.
The Moderate paragraph is excellent; should be required reading for all-
As usual, Scott was blunt and well-stated.
We are all just programmable creatures, and we become what we consume to excess.
Scott, It appears to me that one of the big factors influencing choice – political and otherwise, is this:
In what is billed as the most advanced country in the world, 63% of the adult US population lacks a formal education (college), and 21% of US adults are classified as “functionally illiterate (that’s nearly one-quarter of the adult population).
Education is an enabler and a key driver of decision-making in our personal lives. For example, the decisions we make when choosing the next president of the US. It’s also a confidence builder and a refining force of character and values. There is this dynamic in the US now called the “diploma divide.” It’s real, and it’s a bit frightening. This may seem a bit off-topic, but as I see it, education, knowledge, and insight significantly influence who we are as individuals and the direction of our decision-making.
Yea verily to the 21% functional illiteracy rate. I spent 20 years volunteering to tutor functionally illiterate adults in four different US cities. When they fall, they can’t get up on their own. When they hear something implausible on TV or the internet, their critical thinking skills betray them. When they try to parent, the lack of common knowledge or the inability to ask informed questions gets passed on to the next generation. Our unregulated industries accelerate the downward cycle, and there are no brakes in this model of society.
Scott, you may not know yet about the new psychotherapy that is going to change the world of treatment for trauma and addictions. Go to imttherap.com. Like me, a long-time psychotherapist, you may not believe this at first. However, the results for virtually all clients is incredible and evidently permanent since it primarily uses the power of the mind to actual release trauma and addictions. It’s possible now to end addictions completely within months, and possible to eliminate trauma in days or weeks. I’m now a trainer in ImTT if you have any questions.
Not sure about the comment that a moderate amount of porn is ok. Would you say a moderate amount of heroin is ok? It’s disrespectful to women and a false illusion for men
This is a very insightful follow up essay to your earlier one on Dopamine addiction, Scott. I have little doubt that checking, balancing, filtering and blocking the companies behind the Porn-Dopa industry is an elusive and largely frustrating task. But in the marketplace there should be a filter for this applied through ESG filtering — reflecting a company’s commitment to societal health through taking (real) action in combatting and countering the odious actors feeling porn-Dopa addictions. Failing that, selling trading cards featuring the top ‘Dopa-Sleaze-Masters’ (‘Collect ’em all!) might be an alternative, and maybe more fun.
That should be “fueling” not “feeling.”
Scott, I read your articles (and books) and enjoy them all. This one is particularly interesting and valuable. I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in working with men. I’ve written a number of book, including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions (It was written long before the on-line issues you describe.) We all want to connect and our evolutionary-based desires for sex can be exploited. But the truth can be the first step to setting us free. Thanks for continuing to share the truth, even on topics that may be too close to home for some.
Raleigh Hotel like in South Fallsburg?!
Great and timely piece.
Surprised you didn’t PornHub pulling out (so to speak) of states that require age verification laws — seriously, I cried when I realized that the porn battle would not be as great for this Mom of soon-to-be teens in Virginia.
Per Google, states where Pornhub has blocked access due to age verification laws: According to Newsweek, as of March 2025, these states are: Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, North Carolina, Utah, Virginia, Texas.
States with age verification laws: More than a dozen states have passed laws requiring age verification by pornography websites.
Pornhub’s stance: Pornhub has stated that the “only effective solution” to protect children and adults is to verify users’ ages and deny or allow access based on that verification.
Other states that may be affected: According to PCMag, Florida and South Carolina have also restricted access to adult websites.
No hat tip to Prof G guest Cindy Gallop?
I was introduced to gay porn at age 14 by a family acquaintance who seduced me for sex. My porn addiction almost cost me my job three, yes, three times! I knew I had to quit cold turkey. Over time, porn became boring and I fortunately found other things to do with my time. I wish young men–gay and straight–could understand that porn is not real. It’s all a fantasy.